Your Collective - Mind, Body & Spiritual Balance

Journeying Beyond Judgment to Uncover True Self

• Sherisse Alexander • Season 1 • Episode 5

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I've danced around the delicate balance of staying true in a world quick to judge. The question I pose is where is judgement present in your life?  

How can we use the power of non-judgment as a tool for personal growth, breaking vicious cycles, and cultivating empathy for those who challenge us. I open up about transformative lessons from my time in Nigeria, highlighting the universal human desires that transcend cultural divides. True authenticity, we discover, comes from observing our thoughts without criticism and asking questions that propel us towards our own truth. 

Sherisse Alexander:

Good morning, good afternoon or good evening, wherever you might be. My name is Sherisse Alexander and I'm your host of Your Collective. In today's episode, we'll be chatting a little bit about judgment, or perhaps better stated as non-judgment. Thank you so much for joining me today and let's dive in. Thank you again for joining today. On today's show, we'll be talking or examining ideas around judgment or non-judgment.

Sherisse Alexander:

I woke up this morning and I was listening to my friend's podcast, Hailey Sutherland Your Body, Your Story and she will be a guest here, so you'll get to learn a little bit more about her story. But a lot of what she talked about in one of her episodes really, really resonated with me. It sounded in many ways like my own story. You know, for a long time well, really for the majority of my life I've often been the person who really prefers to be small, which is almost virtually impossible for someone like me. And what I mean when I say that is I have big energy. It doesn't matter how much I try to hide it. I know I have this smile that absolutely lights up a room. So even when I am trying to be small or inconspicuous, it's tricky, because it's tough to stay small when you're just not, and not to mention the fact that I am a curvy girl.

Sherisse Alexander:

But Hailey poses a lot of ideas around how not only do we walk into environments or interactions where we are immediately judging as good or bad, but often with ourselves, we're judging ourselves as being good or bad. And in a lot of ways, I think for most of us, that begins in childhood. You know, if you think about even if you're a parent and as you're raising your children I was definitely guilty of it the behaviors that we maybe wanted to curb in our children and we would, you know, identify them as being bad behaviors or good behaviors. So you know, it really does start very early in the experience of life, and all that ends up happening as we roll through childhood and teenage years, early adult years, et cetera, is those behaviors continue to be curbed by being either rewarded for being desirable or good, or punished for being undesirable or bad, and then you find yourself maybe in a position where you don't even know who you are, what you like or even how to really show up authentically and that's an interesting word authentic. What does that actually mean and how do we do that? And I think, for myself personally and actually for all of us, it can be a lifelong journey if you don't have the courage very early, early, to show up as you're really meant to show up.

Sherisse Alexander:

And there's this proverb that I've seen on Instagram frequently, and this is actually what came to mind One day. I was having a conversation with my kids and you know, their father and I really embodied or tried to ingrain within them a strong sense of self. And when you raise your children to have a very strong sense of self, that can sometimes also mean that they have a very strong opinion about even possibly being judgmental. So you know, I'm standing around with the kids. This was not that long ago. This was like January, february, and they had some strong opinions about someone that we all knew who was maybe not making really great life decisions from their perspective. And I remember saying to them I'm like I don't think that we can judge. I think that how we move into a place of non-judgment is understanding that each and every soul came here with a purpose in mind, a contract that they need to fill, and you don't know what they're meant to experience for, what they need to go on to next.

Sherisse Alexander:

And this idea really landed for me when I was reading the Conversations with God trilogy by Neil Donald Walsh, where he explores this idea of actually, it wasn't in that series, it was in a later book, friendship with God, life and he's talking about all of these experiences that he had and how he judged them as being good or bad, desirable, undesirable, etc. But in his hindsight which we always say is 2020, he could see how even those experiences, which he did not particularly enjoy, were really laying the foundation for something else that was coming later, and that something else is rarely bad. I shouldn't say it, I'm not even going to try and judge it here, but my point being is I think that if we can shift our perspective to understand that the experiences are just that, they're just an experience, and sometimes they're things we enjoy, sometimes they're things we don't enjoy, but in a lot of ways, they are often things that are preparing us for something more. And so when I listened to that and I thought about that idea against the backdrop of my own life, I was able to really shift my own perspective on the experiences that I've had that I did not enjoy, and that's what allowed me to move into understanding gratitude and then beginning to genuinely appreciate gratitude, all the experiences, even the ones that I did not enjoy, and wrapping my arms around them and embracing them for what they taught me about myself, about others, how I show up, how I prefer to show up, and really has helped me move into a space of approaching each situation as an opportunity to learn, either for me or the other person that I'm inexperienced with. And I bring it up here because, as I was listening to Haley's podcast, she talked a lot about judgment and non-judgment and you know her podcast is really about unmasking yourself and showing up in a courageous and authentic way. And it also reminded me of this proverb and that's actually where I was going with this was this proverb that I had shared with my children when we were having this proverb, and that's actually where I was going with this was this proverb that I had shared with my children when we were having this conversation, because, of course, they were having their judgments about this person, the choices they were making and how terrible it was, and so on and so forth.

Sherisse Alexander:

And I said, well, what if this person's experience today, which at this moment in time, does look terrible or not good for them or any of the people around them. But what if we fast forwarded five years later and this person now has had this very personal experience that they can now go out into the world and share with other people of how it helped them grow, what they learned, so that they can maybe help someone else pull themselves out of that experience? Because really, that's what life is. We're all trying to figure out our journey. None of us have all I shouldn't say none but a lot of us don't have all the answers. And in a lot of ways, when we're interacting with other people, how do we connect? We connect through our personal stories. At least that's been my experiences. You know, when I connect with someone or they enjoy their experience with me and vice versa for myself, it's because they've shared something about themselves that I didn't know or I'm learning for the first time and it really resonated with me. And now we have this commonality and you know, for example, that's what happened today as I was listening to Haley's podcast. Now, I've known Haley for years, so I've always enjoyed Haley's energy, but in this podcast, where she's talking about some of her earlier year childhood experiences, a lot of it sounded like my own story. So there's, of course, now this commonality.

Sherisse Alexander:

But going back to this Chinese proverb about the farmer, I love it because you know the farmer is just so calm in his response. And there's all of these you know experiences that come up. You know, first his you know gets these 10 wild horses, but then they're because, because they're wild and his son's trying to break them. In one day the son falls off and breaks his leg. But then the next day soldiers come because there's a war and son can't go because he's got a broken leg. And the entire time that people around him are like oh, that's such good luck. And he's like I don't know, we'll see. Or oh, you know, that's terrible. And he's like I don't know, we'll see. Or oh, you know, that's terrible. And he's like I don't know, we'll see kind of thing. And you can see as you move through the story that it's not good or bad, it just is.

Sherisse Alexander:

But I often say, and I genuinely believe, that even in the challenging times the divine is always working in our favor, even with the things we really don't enjoy. So I think when those things show up, the question then is how do we move through it? We can't run away, we can try, but it's been my experience that the stronger in resistance that we are to what we are supposed to experience or learn just tends to come back with a vengeance or remains persistent. And I think that if you were to look at your own life, we can start to see cycles happening or patterns of behaviors. And I really try to move into a place where, when I witness it in other people, that I don't say anything, I just make a mental note and I go oh, there's that cycle, how are they going to break it, or that pattern. And it's often an interesting experience.

Sherisse Alexander:

But I think part of breaking that pattern or that cycle is first to move into an environment where we're not judging it as good or bad, just witnessing it and observing it. There's this saying that Helen uses often and I love it and it's be the spectator in your own movie. And as soon as you can step outside of the emotions that are attached or the narrative, the story that you're telling yourself in that experience, and move into one of just witnessing your response, how you're interacting, the things you say, how you're feeling and asking yourself better questions, it's really in the better questions that we can drill down and, I think, maybe find an answer that is authentic for ourselves. And that's where we begin. First, I think, of not judging ourselves, and then it allows you to move into a mindset where you can genuinely move into non-judgment of others. And I'll be really honest.

Sherisse Alexander:

You know, I've always considered myself to be a fairly non-judgmental person. Those who know me know that I think one of the greatest things about myself, truth be told, is that I can be fairly objective in a lot of emotional situations, almost to a fault, if I'm being honest. Nigeria, which is so very different than my North American experience, I think, is really where I learned to observe and, most importantly, understand. And the first lesson in these travels have been that, you know, there's really not that much difference when you strip everything away. There's really not that much difference between myself and an African counterpart, except where I was born. And you know a lot of people might disagree about that. But the other piece, and what I mean when I say something like that, is we're both human, we both want to be loved, we both want to be understood, we both want to be accepted, we both want to feel a sense of safety and security. Those things are foundational.

Sherisse Alexander:

All the other pieces I believe in a lot of ways are window dressing and just really circumstance of birth, where we're born, time, etc. And it's when I began my experience on the African continent that I really began to move into the mindset of non-judgment. I'm often reminded that, and when I say I'm often reminded, I don't mean that I remind myself, I mean other people often will remind me that I'm not African. So I don't get it and I don't push back or fight on that, because you also have to meet people where they are so. Sure, I might not have been born in Nigeria, but I'm pretty sure that we're both human and I do understand that.

Sherisse Alexander:

You know that, at the core, what we all want and desire and that's not me trying to make a blanket statement, but you know, I think if people are really really honest with themselves, then they can see that. You know we all really want the same thing, which is, as I said, love, acceptance, being understood, a sense of fulfillment, safety and security. So you know, it's been in this experience of traveling to the African continent where the idea of non-judgment has really started to really really root itself and has allowed me to understand what that means and being able to learn how to look at my fellow man, even the ones that hurt me, at my fellow man, even the ones that hurt me, and say I see you, and I know that you're not responding from a genuine place of wanting to inflict hurt and pain to me. It's a reflection of the hurt and pain that you are feeling internally and you don't even necessarily understand the why behind it. But I see it and I still love you anyways.

Sherisse Alexander:

And that's a tough one. I'm not even going to sit here and pretend that it is easy to move into that space, especially when you've been hurt. It is most difficult. When you've been hurt, it's very easy to not judge if there's no personal experience with it, because it doesn't do anything to you. You can look at it from afar and say, oh, I'm not going to judge that person because I'm going to love them. You know, often people will look at me with this there you are with your rosy colored glasses.

Sherisse Alexander:

But no, I'm speaking from a place of experience. You know, I've absolutely had experiences that shocked even me. I'm not a violent person, but I've definitely had experiences where I visualized bringing harm to people. I visualized bringing harm to people and when that happened I was like, okay, this is not me, there's something way deeper and darker at work here, and what I mean when I and that's really when I went inwards because it's just so not like me to actually want to hurt somebody. And so I took a step back and I went within and I went okay, this is not you. You are really telling yourself a serious story right now. So let's get to the bottom of this story.

Sherisse Alexander:

And that was a very long and arduous process, because let me tell you, that victim archetype is alive and well. All the things that other people do to me right, I had no part in it, I didn't do nothing. This person did this and that and I'm so hurt, and it's a real strong archetype to try and overcome. But I think that I'm still in the phase of learning and I'm not even going to say because I'm not going to sit here and pretend that it's the easiest thing to do I'm sure that there'll be something that will come along that will trigger that particular wound. I'm not welcoming it, but we're always going to be tested. So the point in everything that I'm saying is, ultimately, at the end of the day, the question that I pose to you today is witness. It's not even a question. It's maybe a challenge for you. Can you witness judgment at play in your life? And don't judge yourself over it. That's not the intention here. It's witness first and then maybe just ask yourself a different question.

Sherisse Alexander:

This is the process I go through. If I'm feeling something right Defensive is a good example I'm feeling defensive. I'm having a conversation with somebody and I feel defensive. I can witness it in my body. I can feel it. I'm getting angry. The first thing that I'll do is I'll pause you know, this is all happening very quietly within me and I'll be like okay, why are you feeling defensive right now? Is this like what's going on? I'm like, and then I'll be like oh, I feel like I'm being judged, okay, next. Okay, why do you feel like you're being judged? And so this is the process that I go through, and I did this a couple months ago with a girlfriend. We were having a conversation and I was getting hot and bothered on the inside, and so I stopped and I actually said out loud I'm like, okay, I'm feeling judgment right now and I'm not really sure why. And so I talked myself through it. I'm just like okay, I think you're judging, but I'm not sure that you're actually judging me. And I think you're judging because of this statement that you're making towards this particular group and, even though it's not directed at me, it somehow feels like it's directed at me.

Sherisse Alexander:

And what I realized is that I think that I was judging myself for a path that I've chosen to take, and I was questioning whether or not I was comfortable with the path that I've chosen to take and to go through. Ultimately, what ended up happening is that I went through this exercise of like well, maybe I need to re-examine the path that I've taken, but what ultimately ended up happening is I became more rooted in the path that I was taking. So this is where being the witness and asking yourself better questions can be extremely helpful, because maybe it would have been a different outcome. Maybe I would have continued to go with the idea that, okay, maybe this is not the path for me and I would have made a different choice and maybe picked a different path. But, in essence, what ended up happening is it rooted me more.

Sherisse Alexander:

We were talking about spirituality, faith, religion, conventional ways of doing it versus unconventional ways of doing it, and that's where I was judging myself, I was judging okay, well, maybe I'm not doing it right, but I came to understand that right is what resonates for you, regardless of what anybody else is doing, as long as you're not hurting anyone. And I'm not hurting anybody with the way that I choose to approach my faith and spirituality. It's brought me closer than ever to the divine and the creator. So who am I hurting? Absolutely nobody. So that was where this judgment that I was feeling was really really helpful, because I chose not to judge the judgment, I simply witnessed it and then went through this process that rooted me firmly in my faith.

Sherisse Alexander:

So, anyways, there are effective ways in wrapping this up. What I think I'd like to close with is that I think that there are effective ways to use it, as long as we're not using it to blame and go into those really low frequency or low vibe type of energies. But if we can just witness it and ask better questions, then I think that we can guide ourselves to an authentic response that ultimately will help you on your journey and, who knows, maybe even other people on their individual journeys. So that is my thought for this day. I hope that it brings you some kind of value as you go out into your day, and thank you so much for joining me. Take care, stay blessed. Thank you again for listening today. If you enjoyed the content that I'm bringing you on a bi-weekly basis, then please, please, please. You can find this podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, and feel free to drop me a message on Instagram or you can send at yourcollectiveca. That's S-H-E-R-I-S-S-E at yourcollectiveca. Take care.