Your Collective - Mind, Body & Spiritual Balance
Your Collective is a space where we explore the ways in which we can calm and quiet the mind, so that we can tune into and listen to our bodies and ultimately listen to the whisper of what our soul desires. How do we connect the trifecta so that they can work together in harmony and unity?
Your Collective - Mind, Body & Spiritual Balance
Unveiling the Heartbeats of Parenting Amidst Life's Symphony
When I first held my child at the tender age of 19, I didn't realize that the path of motherhood would be as much a teacher to me as I would be to them. It's a journey rife with challenges that tug at every fiber of your being—mind, body, and spirit. In our intimate heart-to-heart, I, Sherisse Alexander, unfold the layers of raising four uniquely spirited children, each with their distinct melody in the symphony of our family life. With Father's Day on the horizon, we also turn the lens on the men in our lives, sharing stories that weave through the evolving dynamics of fatherhood and family, adding rich hues to the canvas of our shared experiences.
This conversation is a tapestry of insights, unraveling the complexities of balancing a fulfilling career alongside the whirlwind of an active family life. Imagine a life where color-coded calendars become the silent anchors in the chaos, and boundaries with work are not just set, but fiercely guarded, to ensure that presence triumphs over absence. Together, we honor the intricacies of parenthood, the unspoken struggles, and the unbridled joys, inviting you into a space that celebrates and reflects upon the odyssey of raising the next generation.
Good day and welcome to your collective. My name is Sherisse Alexander and I'm your host of Your Collective, where we examine the mind, body, spiritual connection the trifecta as I like to call it and how we can use and employ it in our day-to-day lives and, ultimately, this journey that we call life. Today, what we'll be talking about or exploring is the challenges around parenting and how do we utilize mind, body and spirit, or some of the challenges more appropriately, in my personal journey as a parent. Thank you for joining us today and let's get to it Again. Welcome and thank you for joining me today. In today's episode, we are going to chat about being parents, and this is meant to be kind of a lead up to Father's Day, which is in just a few short weeks, and I thought that it might be appropriate to first maybe examine some of the challenges that I've personally faced as being a mother. So, as I've mentioned, I have four kids. Their ages are from 19 through to 26. I will talk about my babies all the time, because they are my favorite human beings in the world and they know that. They are my favorite human beings in the world and they know that.
Sherisse Alexander:And it wasn't easy. I began young. I was 19 when I had my first baby and I will be really honest with you, I wasn't terrified. I was excited when I was having Anthony, and I don't think the fear really set in until he was born, and so I struggled a little bit, not with postpartum or anything like that, but how do I find my way? I'm now responsible for this human being and I got to love him and I got to help him shape himself into a fine human being. And there's no book, and eventually, that would I mean there's many books, yes, on parenting, but something that I would often say to my children, when they would be, you know, coming at me with who I love more and so on and so forth, and how I treated this one versus how I treated that one, is I would say to them I said, listen, guys, there's no book that each of you came with, and what I'm trying to do in my experience with you is tailor my experience with you for you. I recognize that you're different individuals with different personalities, different desires, different needs, different wants, and I'm pretty sure that you don't want me to take what works for kid number one and apply it to kid number three or four. So I think they began to understand Actually, I don't know that they began to understand. Anthony began to understand as he evolved into his career and he's a teacher and he finally understood. And so I did understand that at some point in time, if God was willing, they would be blessed with children of their own and then they would understand, because sometimes that's how these lessons are you just kind of got to experience it to understand what we're saying.
Sherisse Alexander:So, anyways, today what we're going to chat about is what some of that journey looked like, the challenges that I faced as a mother. How did I balance it? That's a question that I was faced with often during the busy years as being a parent. Did I use faith in that journey and, if so, how did it sculpt? What that looked like in my experience as a parent and what's something that I might have done differently. So that's what we're going to cover today.
Sherisse Alexander:So, challenges I faced as a mother I think that most people have this challenge, which is, you know, again, as I opened and I said, there's no book and you really kind of got to find your way in how you want to do it. And I think the one thing that I learned very early for myself is that I couldn't do it the way other people wanted me to do it. Having my first baby at 19 meant that there were all kinds of experts around me, of course, my mom and all of my aunts. I didn't really have any friends that were having babies at 19, but I certainly looked to the older generation of women that were around me, and I can be very honest in saying that some of the things that I experienced as a child were things that I knew that I did not want my children to experience, and so I remember, just consciously and even subconsciously, just feeling like I needed to take a step back from the way that other people had raised their children namely the older generation in my family children, namely the older generation in my family and I needed to find my own way of doing things so that I could ensure, to the best of my abilities, that my children would be healthy and happy. You know, yes, healthy physically, pardon me, but healthy in mind, healthy in body, healthy in spirit that they knew that they were loved and that they could. You know your kids are never going to tell you everything, but I wanted them to know that they could, that they could come home and they could share their challenges with me. And so I think often, as parents, the biggest challenge that we face is how do we not minimize what our kids go through, how do we stay open to what they're experiencing? How do we foster love and discipline at the same time? And you know, I think that one of the ways that we could approach that is by recognizing that children are just little people.
Sherisse Alexander:I really didn't ever treat my children like they didn't have something important to say, at least not in my memory. My kids might tell a different story, but I think, instead of using absolutes, what I would say is that I really tried to value what their ideas were, what their thoughts were, what their feelings were, what their perspectives were, and I know that I encouraged it. I wanted my children to be embodied with a voice, uh, and I empowered them to use it. I would say often and frequently to them that their their voice. They should use it. If there was something, even with me, that didn't resonate and they had a question that they should ask respectfully and you know, you got to sometimes be careful what you wish for because they did so I couldn't give them fluffy answers, I couldn't graze over things that made me uncomfortable. If they challenged me, I had to allow them to challenge me because I told them that they could as long as they were respectful, and I think that that's a strong reason why my children are between me and their father. I mean, mike and I had our varied ways of trying to embody that in our children, but I think the one thing that we always we both were very much aligned on is that these kids, we wanted them to be very independent.
Sherisse Alexander:It feels appropriate to say here that Marlene, who is Mike's mom and a strong mentor in my life, when I was very early in my motherhood experience, she'd said to me she gave me this fridge magnet and it just said roots and wings. There are two things that we lasting things that we leave with our children, two lasting things that we leave our children in this life and they are roots and wings. Exhausting things that we leave our children in this life, and they are roots and wings. And I loved that quote so much so that I would say it to everybody who would listen. You know I give you roots so you have a strong sense of where you come from, but really, I'm here to give you wings so that you can fly. It is never to clip your wings, it's never to tell you what you can't do, it's never to inspire fear within you, and so, in that, a lot of my decisions in the experience with my children have been based on giving them roots, but also making sure that they would have wings so that they could go out and do the amazing things that they're meant to do in this life. So that's one that was probably the biggest challenge that I faced is trying to figure it out.
Sherisse Alexander:And so for those of you that find yourself in you know a similar position or one of the varied phases of raising children. So you know, of course, there's the early years, where we're doing everything for them, and then there's those years that they go to school, and how do you balance that relationship between the school and the community and your child and yourself as a parent? And then, of course, we move into those teenage years, which traditionally can be very difficult For me. I'm so blessed to say that we did not really have terrible years with our children when they were teenagers. And then here I find myself in the adult years with my children, which are, if I'm being really honest, aside from the toddler years, which I found personally to be very, very entertaining, the adult years, I would have to say, are the most difficult years because it forces me to move into a role that, as a, a parent, that is difficult, and that role is watching them do things, making decisions that I really have no say in at all, and because, remember, I, I in, I ingrained in them a strong sense of speaking your mind. They tell me often when my opinion is not warranted.
Sherisse Alexander:So I've really had to learn how to parent adult children and it's tough, it's really really quite difficult, probably definitely hands down the most difficult phase to be in, because they share. They share when they're ready and I'm somebody who can be opinionated, but I've had to learn how to really listen or just even ask them how would you like me to show up for you right now? Do you want me to listen so that you can just vent, or do you want you know my perspective on, maybe, how we can handle this? And the reality is is that often when I'm interjecting a perspective or an opinion, I try to refrain from telling you what I think you should do, Because I don't really. We all have our individual journeys and I really try to honor that within everyone. So usually what I'll do is I'll ask them questions to help them guide themselves to the answer. I think I have a sense of what the answer is, but I've experienced that where I tell them straight up this is this, and that is that there's resistance, eventually they come back and they'll say something like oh, you were right, and that's just experience and wisdom, right? So, anyways, that's where I currently find myself being challenged as a mother is how do I navigate this new phase as a mother? And so this is truly where I have learned so much about myself, and my experience with my children is one of those pieces in terms of really just learning how to be a good listener, or a much better listener than I am a speaker. And this is where the faith and spirituality piece come in for me is that, if I know I'm going to have a difficult conversation with my children, I just ask for guidance. I ask for the words and I listen. If I feel like it's a time to listen, I will ask them, but usually, before I go into a conversation, I'll ask for guidance on how to approach, whatever the conversation is with my children.
Sherisse Alexander:So in the early years as a parent it was tricky. And it was tricky only because you know there were, there was four of them and there was a lot to balance. Mike and I both had our own careers. Uh, it was extremely important to us that our kids had their own thing. That was going on, and so they did. Uh, the three boys were active in football. I mean, I was a football mom from gosh, I think Anthony was like eight when he started playing football and he ended that career when he was about 24. And so all the kids that came after him all played football. And so the days, the weeks, the months, the years, our entire lives were around football and cheer.
Sherisse Alexander:My daughter's a cheerleader and I lived my life by a calendar and I was very, very lucky Not lucky, but I think that I knew very early on that I wanted to be a very, very present parent. It was extremely important to me. I did not want to be a parent just in title. I wanted to be a parent that knew what was going on with the kids, that was present, knew their friends and was very involved in their life, and I don't mean in an intrusive way, I mean in the way that my kids knew that they mattered. So Mike and I spent probably actually not probably we spent a decade on the football field with our kids, supporting them through that journey. And now Michaela Michaela did play football for a bit, but you know, cheer wasn't, didn't require as much hands-on, but we were still present in whatever capacity that we could be.
Sherisse Alexander:And so when I think back to those years where we each had these full careers and then we had all these kids that had these very active lives, for me it came down to balance, which is a tricky word, but balance in the sense that I lived by a calendar. Every kid had a color, I had a color, mike had a color. So when I would show people my calendar, they would be like how do you live by that? And it wasn't overwhelming for me because I was able to quickly look at my calendar and figure out where I could do something. And so that was one thing that I had employed, was very early, utilizing, you know, the calendar to live my life by.
Sherisse Alexander:The other thing was is I had very firm boundaries on my time when it came to work, and some people may agree or disagree with this, but I was very fortunate during those years that I, because I wanted to be a present parent, I chose, and I remember when I said it to Mike I said, listen, man, we got all these damn kids, somebody's got to be home because I didn't want my kids to be latchkey kids. And I said, and I don't care who works from home, but one of us needs to craft a career, and I just happened to be faster at doing that. So I was able to create a career for myself that was extremely gratifying and rewarding. The pay was great, it was flexible, it made, it gave me a sense like I was very passionate about what I was doing at that point in time, but it also allowed me to stay home. So I my day would be crafted around like my work was crafted around my kids. My kids weren't crafted around my work, so they were able to go to school and see me there. They would come home at lunch and I was there. They would come home after school and I was there.
Sherisse Alexander:And the days were long Don't get it twisted, you know they started early and they ended late and they were very long because I had interwoven my career and my family life together, but it's what allowed me to create exactly what I wanted for my family experience. So you know, I would, I would pose to you if you are finding like you and I, just I think ultimately what it boiled down to is I didn't feel like I should have to choose between being a good and present mother, or the type of mother I wanted to be, and a career which was also equally important to me. Why do I have to choose? And so I didn't. I just created what I wanted for myself and I don't say that flippantly, like it's just so easy, but in a lot of ways it is. You know, if that's what you want for yourself, then begin to create that for yourself. It wasn't an overnight process. I think. When the twins were born, I was definitely working for someone else and I think it took about about a year as a focused decision, a year as a focused decision to bring that experience into fruition. So by the time the twins went to school, I was home and could create that experience for myself.
Sherisse Alexander:So during, you know, the crazy years of raising my children, of raising my children, I can admit that faith and spirituality was not a part of my life and I imagine that if I had faith as more of my experience during those years, maybe it would have been easier. Truth be told, the biggest challenge that I think I faced during those years was that, just, it was busy, that's all that it was, and even within that I really enjoyed the busy. I found a system that it worked and it was very methodical and very logical. And because it was so dominated in male energy of organization and planned to a T, I just was not even in the place and space to allow for spirituality to enter my life at that point in time. At that point in time and I dare say I don't even feel like I needed it at that point in time because I wasn't challenged with my children. They were great kids. There were no major upsets. They did good in school, they were well-liked by their peers, their teachers, our friends liked by their peers, their teachers you know our friends like they were just amazing kids.
Sherisse Alexander:So there was nothing that pushed me into a direction of feeling like I needed to seek faith or spirituality as it pertained to the relationship with my kids and how we were raising them. But interestingly enough, it was a regret and I often, you know, as they got older, I did feel like it was a piece. So I guess I'm a kind of answering the question, even though it wasn't woven into our experience as a family. I know for sure that I made comments about my regret being that we didn't have faith and spirituality as a family in our experience, and it was. I think that that was maybe the beginning of realizing that something was missing. So we had this great experience, you know, good kids, great active in sports. You know Mike and I had a good relationship and so on and so forth, but there was still the recognition that there was something missing. Because I would say my only regret is that I haven't fostered any type of belief in the divine with my children and I felt like it was my responsibility to at least introduce it to them. I didn't have to jam anything down their throat, but I certainly felt like I should have at least opened the door to the conversation with them, and that is the one thing that I would have done differently.
Sherisse Alexander:So I guess you know, as the relationship between myself and Mike began to unravel, I began my own search for God and faith, and you know, because I felt that peace missing within me. And it was Bronson, my youngest baby, that had said to me one day. I was going to church and he was like so what are you like a Christian? Now, as Bronson will do, he, just as kids in general do, they'll just ask you very direct questions and I paused and I didn't know how to answer it because I didn't know what I was seeking for at the time. I knew I was seeking for something and so I just said you know, bronson, what I can say about my very limited knowledge about God and faith and spirituality is that it is a very, very personal relationship and I think that was my way of dodging the question, because I didn't know and I didn't know how to say that. I didn't know and that was the beginning of, I think, me because it was the ending of something.
Sherisse Alexander:So at that point it was the beginning of the ending of my marriage with Mike. So I mean it was the ending of my marriage with Mike, mike, but it was. So I mean it was the ending of my marriage with Mike, but it was also the beginning of my journey into self and my, my relationship with faith, the divine creator, whatever resonates with you, um, but that was really the beginning of that journey for myself, for myself and my kids have been there as I have spoken very openly with them about my own personal journey and they've heard me say on many occasions that you know that was a regret that I had is that I hadn't introduced it to them earlier. But here's the really beautiful, serendipitous thing, because I've been so free and nonjudgmental of myself and my own personal journey. I talk openly and actively about the journey, what I've learned, things that I'm dabbling with, the ideas that come up, the books that I've read, and it's given them the freedom to do the exact same thing. And it's so beautiful watching it because I recognize that my open hearted approach with it, with myself, has given them the license to do the exact same thing. So, even though it started out as like I wish I'd done that differently, I think the truth is is that the timing has actually worked out very well, because they're at an age now where they're mature and they're finding God in their own fashion, and I just think it's a beautiful thing.
Sherisse Alexander:I was at the house early this year, like maybe January, february, and I almost started crying when they said that because I was talking about God and Jackson is number two and Jackson says, mom, we love God in this house. And I almost started crying because I was just like that is so beautiful. I didn't either, was like no work with it. It was just so open and just so non-judgmental and I was just like so happy for them that some of them are more private about their journey.
Sherisse Alexander:Some of them have openly talked to me about it. Some of them have said you know, we're, we're trying to find our way and I allow for it all. I'm just happy that they're exploring the journey so young. And you know, for other kids some people might say it's they're so old. But I mean, where I'm going with this is like. You know, I was like in my thirties, late thirties, when I started looking to something that was bigger than me as an individual. You know, in this case these kids are like early young adults and they're starting to ask themselves these questions.
Sherisse Alexander:So I personally think that maybe as much as I might say to myself, you know you did it wrong, maybe I didn't, maybe the timing is absolutely perfect for where they are in their journey. So I'm going to trust that. So what I would leave you with I'll restate here is that you know if you're struggling with where you are in your journey as a parent and doing it right and doing it perfect. There is no perfect. The perfect is in the imperfection. And if there's nothing else that you remember, remember maybe that your job, more than anything else, is to give your kids a sense of roots and wings. Roots so they know where they come from and can have a very strong sense of self, but wings so that they can fly and go out and do what they're supposed to do or meant to do in this lifetime and just love them as much as you can through that. There won't be. It's not going to be perfect all the time. I'm sure that you know that, but what is perfect for you and your family?
Sherisse Alexander:Families today do not look like what families looked like 50 years ago, and we got to be okay with that.
Sherisse Alexander:The family dynamic is evolving and it's changing and we got to be flexible with that and and just be kind of okay with what we craft for our own selves and our own families and what works for us.
Sherisse Alexander:So, um, over the next few episodes, um, we're going to turn it over to men. We're going to have some conversations with some of the men in my life as we lead up to father's day, because you know as much as I've struggled or had not struggled but have had challenges as a mother, I absolutely can see and acknowledge that fathers have been equally tasked. So I think it'll be interesting over the next few weeks to get a male perspective on what their experience has been as fathers. And I just want to take the opportunity here to salute and say thank you to the dads out there that are doing it and that are trying and doing their very best and showing up for their kids. Even if you didn't have a strong male role model, I acknowledge your effort and say thank you for trying to contribute to the challenging experience of being a parent. So with that, thank you so much for joining me here today on your collective and until we chat again, take care, thank you.