Your Collective - Mind, Body & Spiritual Balance
Your Collective is a space where we explore the ways in which we can calm and quiet the mind, so that we can tune into and listen to our bodies and ultimately listen to the whisper of what our soul desires. How do we connect the trifecta so that they can work together in harmony and unity?
Your Collective - Mind, Body & Spiritual Balance
Reflections on Growth and Relationships
Can a simple dream ignite a cascade of self-reflection and growth? Join me, Sherisse Alexander, as I recount an unexpected journey that began with reaching out to a friend and confronting their surprising reaction. This solitary episode delves into the emotional whirlwind that ensued—guilt, self-questioning, and the profound realization of how our choices impact those around us. I navigate the delicate balance between personal growth and the emotional expectations of others, emphasizing the importance of understanding our feelings without letting guilt dominate our actions. Through sharing my experiences, I aim to provide insights into maintaining objectivity and discernment on the path to self-awareness.
In the next segment, I shift gears to the ever-evolving nature of relationships and the crucial need for authenticity during times of significant change. Reflecting on moments of transition, I discuss the necessity of self-forgiveness and the practice of embracing love and light while managing anger, guilt, and self-judgment. This chapter highlights the process of grieving past versions of ourselves and others, advocating for the acceptance of our continuous evolution. Tune in to explore how we can honor connections and support our personal growth journey, even when it means navigating symbolic separations and seeking acceptance for who we are becoming.
T you so much for joining me today. My name is sharice Alexander, your host of Your Collective. It's been a few episodes since I've done a solo cast and a thought occurred to me this morning and I've really been examining a lot of my relationships, or maybe I should say it more like spirit has been forcing me to examine my relationships, my relationships, and, you know, not just the romantic ones. I think sometimes we automatically assume romantic when we talk about relationships, but really, at this time I'm examining all of them, my friendships, my family relationships, my romantic relationships, and not so much from the lens of what other people are doing for me and giving to me, but more through the lens of how am I showing up and am I happy with how I've shown up.
Sherisse Alexander:And this morning, when I woke up, there was something real heavy sitting on my chest and uh, you know I'd I'd had a dream and, uh, I won't go into the details of the dream, but the dream prompted me to reach out to a friend and, uh, I don't know what I was expecting, but this person's been on my mind for a really like frequently and with like more urgency, and so I've always been somebody who, when somebody crosses my mind, I call them. I call them or I text them just to say, hey, you crossed my mind, or just checking in, like it might not be so obvious, but I and my point being is that I will find a way to reach out to that person. And so today was no different. Woke up, had a dream about this person, reached out to them via text message and just said, hey, would love to connect, and it didn't go, maybe, the way that I had desired. I don't know what I was expecting, but I think I was expecting something more than what I received, and it sent me into a little bit of a full loop. And what I mean when I say that is I go inwards and in this particular case, you know, sometimes people like to lash out outwards and I guess I could have absolutely been like, well, that nerve of that person to like not make time for me, but no, that's not what I did.
Sherisse Alexander:Actually, not obviously, that came later, but initially, where I ended up going with it was like full on guilt, trip on myself and you know even questioning myself, as you know how I'm showing up and what I mean when I say that is like I know my heart. I know that, like when I'm in contact or relationship with people, I know what my intentions are and the majority of the time, I am able to like detach myself from being too emotional, as much as I am a feeler, like I can look at a scenario and and be very objective. I think that it's probably one of my strengths is that I'm able to like really see scenarios from many different sides and really, you know, I can logic almost anything. I can have objectivity for almost anything. Actually, yeah, I can have objectivity for virtually everything.
Sherisse Alexander:And you know, I found myself in this place and space where I was looking and examining, like I know that I've made decisions in my life that really are my decisions to make for my life and shouldn't have any impact on other people. But at this particular time, I'd say the last month, I've really been questioning, and not questioning whether or not I should have made those decisions. I still stand by every single one of those decisions that I've made but really questioning, you know how could I've done it better? And then it it. It sounds silly, but I was just like I don't know how you go through life without hurting anybody. Because when I examined the decisions that I made for my life. I was looking at it and I'm like I don't feel bad about those decisions, but I feel bad that I hurt people and so enter in the guilt.
Sherisse Alexander:Enter in the guilt and guilt is a tricky one, because if we allow guilt to govern the choices and decisions that we make of how people feel we should show up or expect how we should show up, then it really holds us back from doing the things that we need to do for ourselves on all of our own individual journeys. And so, like, this was literally the spiritual storm I found myself in today, where I was really like, at one point in time I was even like, oh my gosh, am I even a good person? And even, as I say it out loud, it sounds ludicrous to me because I know that I am. It sounds ludicrous to me because I know that I am, but I was allowing myself to be pulled so far into this guilt and shame speech that I had on loop in my head. So anyways, long story short, I go through the whole rigmarole and I'm really glad that I decided to like, actually move the energy.
Sherisse Alexander:I'm like no, I gotta, I gotta move this energy because this is, this is not great, and I made the energy, and once I was able to move the energy, I was able to, like you know, see a little more reason with with this and so, um, I felt moved to really kind of share you know what I've learned about myself really in the last year. You know I've been on this journey, we'll say with honest intention, for the last seven years, um, but I think the most, the biggest changes for myself personally have come in the last year, and it really was more, it really had to do more with like really becoming quite introspective and like really learning how to. Yes, I've always been very I've considered myself to be, uh, more objective than not, but being really, um, discerning I want to say critical, but that's not the word that I'm looking for but just really not personalizing what I was uncovering about myself. So today, when I was having this, this full on thing with myself, I realized that I was carrying all of this guilt and all of this anger because of these expectations that I perceive that other people place on me. And, interestingly enough, I think in a lot of ways I live my life in a way that people are like, oh, she doesn't care about anybody, she just does whatever she wants. And that's true to a certain degree. Not that not caring about anybody, but, you know, living my life in a way that is authentic for me where I am. But that doesn't mean that I'm anywhere near the place where I'm just like, legitimately, don't give a rat's ass about how anybody feels. Within that, I find myself, if not verbally on some level, energetically apologizing for living my life in a way that resonates with where I am at this moment in time. That resonates with where I am at this moment in time. So, interestingly enough, forget other people's expectations.
Sherisse Alexander:I had this, or am currently working on, a ridiculous expectation that I have with myself that I can somehow live authentically without ruffling a few feathers. If I don't ruffle a few feathers along the way, I don't think that I'm doing it right and I genuinely mean that. Like, if I don't make one or two people upset with me throughout the course of this journey, then I don't think that I'm actually really being authentic. And that doesn't mean that I intentionally go out. That certainly does not mean that I intentionally go out to hurt or harm people. In fact, it's just the opposite.
Sherisse Alexander:But a thought dawned on me not that long ago where I was. Like you know, I can understand, see and recognize that, even though my choices for how I live my life might not directly affect people, there's certainly a ripple effect of how my choices might ruffle somebody's feathers and make them feel a way, or they might be telling themselves a story about what their value is in my world. And I've recently had this come up in a family relationship where, you know, this person had said to me I was making them feel like they were really hurt by something that I certainly would not be hurt about at all. And they'd even asked me I'm like well, how would you feel if this happened to you? And I was just like well, to be very honest with you, it did happen and I'd felt absolutely no way about it. And I said it just like that, and unfortunately that could come across as being very flippant, but I was being authentic.
Sherisse Alexander:But I could see that the fact that I had done whatever this thing was to this person, and I could see also that this person was telling themselves a story about how I perceived them and that story was just not true. And I even vocalized the story for them. I even said to the person I'm like listen, I can totally and clearly see that you you're saying, you're telling yourself something that is just not true for me. You believe this about yourself and I do not believe that about you at all. So, in other words, what I was trying to say to them is this is not my trauma. I can understand how I hurt you. That certainly was not my intention. I apologize for how my actions may have made you feel like that, but that's not how I feel about you Now, because this person is close to me, I was able to say it in a way that I was able to repair it because I knew that and this is what I mean when I say how we live our lives, sometimes unintentionally, has that that collateral damage of like hurting people.
Sherisse Alexander:So and I went on to say to this person thank you very much for sharing that with me, because I'm not a mind reader and I can't make the decision about how to show up best for you, if I don't know when I've ruffled your feathers, and so I'm an excellent student. At least I like to think so. You know they were able to share with me how I'd hurt them, and I was able to very quickly see, acknowledge, apologize, but even further to that, you know, like within a week or so I was able to show up the way they needed me to show up. Now, the important thing here is just because you tell me how you need me to show up doesn't mean I'm always going to be able to show up the way that you need me to. I made a choice. You know.
Sherisse Alexander:This person shared with me how they were feeling about something I could have absolutely said don't care and kept it pushing, but this person is extremely important to me and I would never want them to think or feel that I didn't value them. So I was able to quickly, you know, I think, smooth that over a little bit. And the important part within that is that I was able to quickly see how my flippancy was having this unintended hurt. And that's really what I'm talking about. Right, like I wasn't being flippant because I didn't care. I was being flippant because the activity the person wanted me to engage in to say I cared, I didn't really care about, because it wasn't important to me. So I'm really trying to be mindful of that, but at the same time, I'm also trying to honor wherever I am in my journey.
Sherisse Alexander:So you know, as a continuation of today and rolling through, how I was feeling, like what actually sparked this was the having this dream and thinking about this friend and then messaging them and, you know, receiving a response that you know I clearly had an expectation around, because if I was just sending it for sending it, then the fact that their response did or didn't meet up would have not bothered me if I didn't have an expectation. So I think I absolutely had my own expectation around how they should, how they should show up for me. See, the problem with expectations, there are tricky, tricky things. So I really don't love that word I'm trying to expunge it from my vocabulary, to be very honest with you, because it's just so constraining. I think the word recently that has been not reintroduced to me but used in place of expectations or requirements. You know, what do you require in this type of friendship? And then, obviously, having grace, because we're human and we're just not going to get it right all the time.
Sherisse Alexander:And so, as I was reflecting on this relationship with this friend, you know I'm having like a full ball session. Like I'm on my treadmill, I'm doing my thing, I am crying, like my heart is like broken over the state of this relationship. And then at some point I started to like it's funny how these emotions are all so closely linked. But at some point then I got angry and I was indignant. I was like how dare this person be angry? Like they're not even talking to me, so they don't even. And what I mean when I say talking is like we haven't had a full fledged good, like we haven't had a full fledged good like good, dig into it kind of conversation. And I know it's coming, I don't know when, I'm not even putting any boundaries of time or requirements of time on it, but I know the conversation is coming. But I had an opportunity to be angry about it Because I'm someone who and I think I'm really good at this, but the truth is is like I also have my own process.
Sherisse Alexander:You can't force me to talk if I don't want to, and um, but I think I was angry because I was like you know, at least when I've been angry at you in the past, I've at least told you why I was angry. So here I am getting all angry at somebody's process, meanwhile totally forgetting that I also have my own process and I have certainly taken the line in relationships where I'm like I'm not going to talk about it until I'm ready. And I know the reason why I do that. I do that because it's raw, and especially when it's somebody that you just love so much, especially when it's somebody that you just love so much, and right word or not you have all these expectations of how you're going to show up for each other, and when it doesn't happen, it's really, really raw. And so I, on a logical level, I understand it very, very well, it very, very well, but on an emotional level, I think my feelings were just really hurt.
Sherisse Alexander:And so I, after acknowledging and interestingly enough, once I was able to acknowledge that I was also angry then, because not only was I angry, but I was also feeling guilty, and and then I was like this idea just kept really pressing itself into my awareness and it was like almost, not almost, it was just this need to forgive. And you know, sure, there's forgiveness for other people, but more importantly than forgiving other people, forgiving myself, because I was like judging and blaming myself, or you know, remember, I had even questioned whether or not I was even a good human being like. That's so extreme, like when you think about that, that's such an extreme leap in one's mind. But this was the question that I posed and I recognized that. You know I'm not going to be able to show up for everyone the way they need all the time, and that's okay. You know and I and I know my heart, I know my intentions, I know that I walk with love and light and it's unfortunate that sometimes my actions are misinterpreted or misunderstood. But at the end of the day, I know who I am and I know, I know what it is that I try to bring to every single interaction, even the ones that are painful. So today's lesson for me well, I shouldn't say lesson, because it's a work in progress I should say today, when I'm grappling with, or the question that I pose, you know, in this forum, is you know, as you journey on your, on your walk, with faith or spirituality, and this is, I think, the reason why the last year has really been so, the only word I can come up with is like chaos.
Sherisse Alexander:Come up with is like chaos, and not chaos in a bad way, but like just feeling like one storm after another, and I don't even mean that in a negative way. I just mean all these things that are coming up that I personally have to grapple with, and with that I'm trying to figure out how to navigate this in a way that allows me to, number one, be authentic. Number two, hold love, hold light. And number three, stand in a place of non judgment for myself or others around me. And so the question that I pose you know again out there and as well to myself is like how do we navigate our close, intimate relationships as we shift and evolve bearing those three things in mind? So, whatever your three things are, but my three things are being authentic, holding love and light in my heart and always showing up without judgment. How do I do that?
Sherisse Alexander:Because today was a very human moment when I was like I was angry, I was angry and I was, I was judging and I was blaming and I was angry, and all of that really boiled down to the fact that I was hurt and somebody said to me today, for all that you feel, that person is equally feeling it and that like hit me. Because you know, when we're tied to people and I mean closely tied they often act as mirrors of what we might be challenged with or grappling with. You know, I find many of my relationships are in a state of flux, change, transition. I might even pose out there that you know, this is maybe part of the reason why I was like, am I even a good human being, because so many of them are in a state of flux. But then realizing that I'm in a massive change and transition right now, like just massive, like I am not at all the person today that I was a year ago. I'm not even the same person today that I was six months ago. So you know, that's again the challenge with, with.
Sherisse Alexander:And so, even as I say that, I think that I need to also have grace for the people in my life and having these judgments spoken or not, that they are the same people today that I left them as, because if I've changed, then it certainly stands to reason that they've evolved in some way, shape or form. And you know all of this to also say, maybe I'm totally making this up in my head and this person's not angry at me at all. I don't think that's the truth, to be honest. Maybe they're just busy living their best life. I don't actually really think that's it.
Sherisse Alexander:I think that there's, you know, some either spoken or unspoken expectations on both of our parts, and so I invite you to ponder that, and so the question I pose out loud is how do you navigate your close, intimate relationships when you know that you are shifting and you are changing? And maybe part of that is is that you know there's a grieving process. If I'm not the same person today that I was a year ago, whether it's a person I liked or not, it's still a loss, there's still a letting go, there's still a letting, and I think that that's maybe where all these feelings come from is acknowledging that you know I might be mourning, not might be. I think I am mourning what was, because what was will never be again, and maybe there's a part of me that's like living in the past of what was missing the really great parts, maybe not missing some of the not so great parts and trying to figure out how do we create something new. But I can't do that by myself. So that's where I am right now how I can be me while still loving and honoring the people around me and without having to fight for them to just love me as I am, and I think that's actually a challenge that I read about in a book by Carolyn Myss I always say her name wrong, but it's M-Y-S-S and it's where I started to really understand that sometimes on this journey you have to be willing to like leave the tribe, for lack of putting it a better way.
Sherisse Alexander:And I don't mean I mean like symbolically, I don't mean like anybody's actually kicking me out of the tribe, but as humans, we all desire a sense of belonging. And I think when I started reading this book, it was like she's got a whole bunch of books, but I think it was like right around when the pandemic was starting, so like. I think it was like right around when the pandemic was starting, so like spring of 2020. And I was like so in love with some of the ideas that Carolyn Myss was putting out there that it just everything seemed to make sense to me, like how I was living life and the expectations that I had of myself and people around me. But one thing that really resonated with me is like you know, sometimes you got to leave the tribe, sometimes you got to like literally go out on your own and do your thing, and I think that you know, for my friends and family who know me really intimately.
Sherisse Alexander:I think I've silently done that, maybe not loudly, but I think that I've definitely been somebody who has danced to the beat of my own drum, and the truth is is that I've definitely been somebody who has danced to the beat of my own drum, and the truth is is that I don't regret any of it. I do not regret a single decision that I've made in terms of living life on my terms, and I'm not going to apologize for it, because I'm also trying to break this guilt piece, and so I'm not going to say that I'm sorry, because I don't think that, living my life the way that I have, I don't know that I have to apologize to anybody. So, anyways, that's what I wanted to share with you today was a little question posing around friendships, family relationships and romantic relationships, and where I'm currently at in terms of trying to navigate all these relationships and, you know, still remaining true to myself. So thank you so much for joining me today and until next time, take care.