Empowering Women: The Intersection of Ambition and Family

In this enlightening conversation, Sherisse Alexander speaks with Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, a soul mentor and marriage coach, about the intricate balance between personal ambition and family life. They explore the importance of self-reflection, the stories we tell ourselves, and how relationships often mirror our internal struggles. Bat-Chen shares her CALM method for personal growth, emphasizing the need to connect with oneself, ask for abundance, listen for answers, and master a higher level of consciousness. The discussion highlights the power of trust in the process of life and the significance of celebrating small victories in our journey towards fulfillment.

Key Takeaways

• You don't have to choose between personal ambition and family life.
• Expanding your belief in what you can achieve is crucial.
• Self-reflection can reveal the stories we tell ourselves.
• Relationships often reflect our internal struggles.
• Trusting the process can lead to unexpected guidance.
• The CALM method offers a structured approach to personal growth.
• Listening for answers is as important as asking for them.
• Celebrating small victories helps maintain a higher level of consciousness.
• Your happiness can positively influence your partner's well-being.
• Being honest about your desires is the first step to fulfillment.

Guest Information:

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman: Founder of Connected for Real, spiritual guide, and podcast host.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Rebbetzin Bachchan Grossman
• 6:04 The Journey of Balancing Life and Ambition
• 12:09 Understanding Relationships and Communication
• 18:03 The Power of Self-Reflection and Personal Growth
• 29:51 Conclusion and Final Thoughts
• 30:42 Navigating Comparison and Blame in Relationships
• 32:29 The Power of Choice and Personal Growth
• 34:51 Transforming Relationships Through Self-Reflection
• 36:45 The Importance of Happiness in Marriage
• 39:47 Embracing Joy and Authenticity
• 40:44 Understanding the Connection Between Thoughts and Physical Reactions
• 42:11 Finding Purpose and Clarity in Life Transitions
• 44:30 Trusting the Process and Divine Guidance
• 50:25 Building Trust Through Asking and Receiving
• 53:31 The CALM Method for Flow and Alignment

Transcript

Sherisse Alexander (00:02)
Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, wherever you are when you're listening, watching this. My name is Sharice Alexander, your host at Your Collective. On today's episode, I have Rebbetzin Bachchan Grossman. How'd do? Yeah, I did it, yeah. Rebbetzin is a soul mentor, a spiritual guide, and the founder of Connected for Real. She helps high achieving Jewish women harmonize their marriage.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (00:18)
Yeah, very good.

Sherisse Alexander (00:30)
business and spiritual lives without sacrificing any part of themselves, which I absolutely love. Through her unique blend of Jewish wisdom, emotional healing and practical tools, Bakhchin empowers women to move from stress and disconnection to peace, purpose and deep connection. Without further ado, let me turn it over to Bakhchin and tell us more about your story. You and I have obviously already chatted, but I was just saying to you what I loved about your story is how

your story shows women that you don't have to pick. So let me start with the very big question is how many kids do you have?

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (01:07)
I have eight kids. My oldest is 18 and a half and my youngest is a year. One year old. I have this little cute baby one years old. And yeah, I have pretty much a gap of two or three years between all the kids. And I don't believe that anybody should have to put.

Sherisse Alexander (01:16)
Congratulations. Wow.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (01:34)
their dreams, their purpose, their calling on the shelf until one day when something happens and I'm finally able to do something. And it's such a lie. And it's so detrimental to the marriage. I'm a marriage coach. That's really my, my focus. And specifically to women who are in that entrepreneurial space, who are in business, who want to do something bigger.

And there's something that happens when you put yourself on hold. You start to feel really resentful. You start to feel really erased.

And then you walk around the world going, you know, I'm giving all this up for you. You better be good kids. You better be a good husband. This better be worth it. You know, and there's like energy about it, right? Like we're not actually our best selves when we don't come alive, when we think we have to choose. And when I realized that I went all in and I've been

Sherisse Alexander (02:34)
Mm-hmm.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (02:48)
thank God, succeeding and doing the thing that I love and showing up and having such amazing conversations. I have a podcast called Connected for Real podcast. And my whole business is based on that whole concept of connected for real, where you can be connected really, really deeply with God and people and in this world and also be extremely practical and

in this world, like on a very real way. So it's that.

integration and the ability to blend and the ability to hold all the parts of you when everybody around you is saying you have to choose. And you know, it makes me think of one of the objections that I get the most from women is my plate is full. You know, I have so much on my plate. There's so many balls in the air. I can't I can't take on coaching. I can't do another thing.

and I say to them,

When your plate is full, what do you do? And their answer is you take something off your plate. And my answer is you get a bigger plate. Because there is absolutely no reason why you need to be limited by the size of your plate when the reality is that God is limitless and you can just expand.

your capacity to receive more, hold more, to create spaciousness. We don't need to fall for those limitations. It's an illusion of this world that we have to be contained in this tiny little vessel that we were given when in reality you are not a body with a soul, you are a soul with a body and your container is as

Sherisse Alexander (04:27)
Yes.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (04:54)
big as you let it be because God's abundance is eternal, is limitless. It's, you know, amazing. So why not let it all? Why not hold it all if you can?

Sherisse Alexander (05:10)
Well, I guess people would have to, well, I think you said it. The first step is to expand or increase the size of your belief of what you think you deserve. And what God has in mind for us is so much bigger than what we think we deserve, right? So that's probably step one. I usually say I gotta start eating what's actually on my plate to make room for more.

But I suppose yes, getting a bigger plate also works. Not necessarily taking it off, but moving through what I have on my plate.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (05:46)
Yeah, I like that. I never thought about that option, by the way. And I think that's

a very present option. If I can enjoy what I have right now, then things will just come at the right time, which is also a really beautiful approach.

Sherisse Alexander (06:03)
For the folks who don't know, I want to go back.

time and if you could give us a little bit of background about how you got to where you are because you know that's for me part of your story what I absolutely it really really sat what like really resonated with me because it came that point we're gonna like well why do I need to choose so let's if you don't mind going back in time to like where where you came from and how you made the decision to kind of like just explode out on your own

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (06:36)
Cool. So.

Wow, I can go back a long time. I grew up as a daughter of a rabbi and I married a rabbi. And really, Rebbetzin is a title, it means rabbi's wife. And it signals to people that I am a leader and they can come and ask for advice and spiritual help and anything like that. And...

I chose to marry a rabbi because that was part of my value system and those are part of my goals for my life. part of that is going into a life that's different than everybody else's, right? Because a rabbi is not like this career move, you know? It's more like a very connected spiritual reality. But on a

business level or like a money level, it's really almost disconnected in a way. So I knew that I was going to be, I wouldn't say responsible because it's not my responsibility. According to the Jewish law, it's actually still the man's responsibility, even if the woman decides to bring in the money, which by the way, is really fun to think about because I don't have to own it. I could just do it and let him make

scary big decisions. But that's like a tangent. So, you know, I became a graphic designer. I went to Pratt Institute. I worked on Fifth Avenue. I like to do things real, like really big. So I did the best that I could. And throughout these different stations, I'm growing and he's not. I'm making money and he's not. And I'm

Sherisse Alexander (08:03)
You

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (08:31)
gaining momentum and he's like, you know, doing his thing, which is fine if it wasn't a comparison game, but you know, and one of the biggest things that was holding me back, I was a graphic designer for 15 years and I went to conferences and I went to all these events for growing your business and networking and creating all these connections. It was great because I love people. So for me, this was amazing.

Sherisse Alexander (08:53)
Yeah.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (08:59)
And it really lit me up. And one time we were sitting in a conference and a couple of ladies at the table said, I don't want all these big things that the speakers are talking about. It doesn't resonate. I don't want these like big goals, think big, big dreams, millions, whatever. Like, I just want a little bit more because I have a family, I have a life and I'm not willing to give them up. So I'm just gonna go with like,

the next level up. Like I just need to make enough money to have a little bit of extra to feel comfortable to be able to go on vacation when I need to or be able to rent a car when I want to like, you know, very little goals they had like their capacity for what is possible was very limited. And I heard them speaking. We don't see you if you go this way. Nobody will see you.

Sherisse Alexander (09:44)
Yes.

Hehehehehe

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (09:55)
Um, sorry. So I,

I'm sitting there listening to all this and thinking, how, how could this be? Why is this normal that we're all sitting here at this conference saying how we just want a little bit more when if we were a table of guys, nobody would be saying that. You're like, okay, yeah, let's go for the millions. We could do it. We have the conference. We have the, you know,

They have no problem going for whatever because that's how they're programmed. But because we're women and we want to nurture and we want to hold all these beautiful things that are softer and more fuzzy, we think that we can't also have that success. We can't have that big dreams. We can't have what we really want. And so we end up like holding ourselves back.

And I said that to them. I said, why are we holding ourselves back? And I'm not saying I'm judging you. I'm doing the same thing. We're all in this together. And one of the ladies said, oh yeah, because if we do go for the big things, then everything will fall apart and our marriages will break. you know, we see it. We see all these different women who are going for the million, going for the six figures, going for the big things. And then...

get divorced and then, you know, something breaks, something happens. We don't want that." So I said, I don't think it has to be that way and I'm going to show you. And they're like, yeah, let's see. You know, it was like very silly like that. And I came home and I took it all out of my husband. Lucky for him, he was brushing his teeth because he did not answer and he did not respond. He was just letting me throw this all at him.

Sherisse Alexander (11:39)
You

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (11:45)
I'm sitting there going like, it's your fault that I'm holding myself back and it's not fair. And it was this entire rant about how he's holding me back. He's going to be jealous. I'm not allowed to make more money than he is because then he's going to feel less of a man and his ego is going to get hurt. And it's all this thing, the stories of generations were sitting in my head and all of

Sherisse Alexander (12:09)
Yes.

and you just spewed

them on him.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (12:14)
yeah, I was like,

blah. And thank God he's a very nice, mature man. And he was just like sitting there listening. And he says, what? You think I'm gonna be jealous? Why would I be jealous? If you make more money, I make more money, because we have the same money. And I'm like, you know, I was like, that never.

occurred to me. I'm yeah. And I'm still, of course, I'm still like completely emotional. Like, yeah, but you're gonna be sad because every time I have a win, you, you know, you show me that you're, you know, not a blah, blah, blah. So it's like, constantly, all this stuff was coming out. And thank God, he was just like, so calm. And so like, okay, so what do you need? What? So what what can I do? So what's actually happening? And he was so calm about it and so able to contain my emotional

Sherisse Alexander (13:10)
He held space for you to get it all out of your head. But you needed to, right? You needed to, yeah.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (13:10)
what's it called the tornado? Yeah. Yeah.

So there's like hurricane that I came with and like spewed at him ended up being really well received, which is a miracle on its own. And

it started a whole conversation about how can I have both and what do I actually want? And it was so hard because as soon as he gave me permission to do what I actually need to do and asked, what do you need? That was the hardest part because I didn't know and I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready. I'm like, so what do you want? Like, I don't know, I just want to succeed. And it was like, okay, so what does that mean? I'm like, I don't know, I just want abundance. And I was like, okay, so what do you need?

Sherisse Alexander (13:46)
So with silence.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (14:00)
And every time he said something that was very practical and grounded, my answer was very fuzzy and up there like in the sky. It was like all these big words that people were saying that weren't really tangible. And the first thing that came to me was I just don't want to deal with food anymore. I have been such a failure at making supper on time every day. I am

I'm an artist. I want to see what we have. I want to be in the mood for making it. I need to like, you know, make the exact thing. I want to sit there and cut them all the same size. Like, I have this love for cooking that isn't really practical for feeding people on time, you know? It's more like I feel like doing this thing. But like, what if I don't feel like it? What if I'm running late? What if I'm

burning the food or what if I forget about it? Like all these things that were happening to me and historically since the beginning of my marriage, I just kept looking for shortcuts to fix my problem of not being on time with food. And I would get like a pressure cooker and a slow cooker and like, you know, maybe I just need to set it and forget it. Maybe I just need to throw everything in and quickly have a thing. Maybe I need to pre-make and maybe I need to freeze and whatever, like anything I tried.

never fully worked for me. know, thank God, like everybody was fed and people were alive, but like, I felt like a failure. And I said to my husband, if you could take this off my plate, I don't want to deal with shopping or cooking or feeding or anything. I just want to eat it. You know, I want to show up and eat. That is going to give me so much mental space, so much capacity to like think about what I really want. And he was like, okay, why don't you say so?

Like, you don't even have to be so angry to just like say what you need. And it made me realize, first of all, that I had this entire identity of my husband wrong, that all these years that I was frustrated with him and annoyed and resentful and like,

Sherisse Alexander (15:53)
Your husband is amazing!

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (16:17)
not connected because I was not willing to connect to this guy who's so selfish and so blah, blah, and so square and he doesn't think and he doesn't get it and he doesn't like all the stories I had about him. And it opened my eyes to realize that actually it's me. I'm the problem.

Sherisse Alexander (16:33)
curious though where did the stories come from like he's your husband so where did the idea that he would be in strong I mean yeah let me ask you that where was the I did why did the idea was it why was it in your head that he was gonna be in strong resistance and like no I you must cook

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (16:53)
Yeah, because he is a man and his brain works like a computer and he's very, would it be like left brain? know, like very everything is the way it needs to be. You just do what you need to do. Things are very, you know, square and structured and frameworked and like

not like me, you know? I'm like spontaneous and artsy and fun and he's like the scientist, you know? So when he would say things to me, I would make meaning of them. So he's like, why is the milk on the table? Well, what do you want me to do? It wasn't my fault. Why are you attacking me? I asked a question, right? And it took me

Sherisse Alexander (17:48)
You

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (17:49)
years years to understand that when my husband asks questions, they have no meaning. There is no backstory. There's no emotional charge. There isn't everything that I have when I ask a question, right?

Sherisse Alexander (18:03)
Right. But I think that's a

common thing that women do is we tell a whole, we have a whole story around why did you leave the milk? Why is the milk on the table? Like that's how he probably asked, why is the milk on the table? What do you mean? I didn't do it. It's not my fault. Why are you blaming me? Like this whole thing is just like, yo, I'm just asking when milk's on the table. So I think, cause I remember for sure doing that, right? And I know being like, well, why were you asked? Like you were, you were

and telling yourself the whole story. Like you were interrogating me and da da da da da. No, lady, I was just asking you a question. I think that's very common of women.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (18:40)
Yeah. Yeah. And like my favorite thing

was you were upset with me. And like, I was upset, you know, or like you're all stressed out. It was like, check my pulse. I'm not stressed. And I'm like, what does your pulse have to do with anything? You know, it didn't, it really was this inner process of awareness, of understanding. I had to,

I really delved in really deep in Byron Katie's work because it was my first step into understanding the stories and the thoughts and the beliefs that we have and how they affect us. But I really was swimming in my own story and I was collecting evidence for the truths that I was believing. And it was...

Sherisse Alexander (19:10)
Yes.

Yes.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (19:27)
once I learned by Rancadia and really implemented it, you know, like you listen and learn, but you're never willing to do the first page because once you do it, you know, your life will change. So there's like resistance to it. And then finally, one day I got into bed and my husband started telling me about his day.

And the entire time I'm sitting or going, he's so selfish. He doesn't even ask me how my day was. He couldn't care less about me. He doesn't love me. He doesn't care. He's just blabbing and talking about his own day. And here I am waiting to be heard and nobody cares about what I say. He's blabbing and blabbing and blabbing. And then suddenly I had this like pause and spark of wait. Is that true? And I thought, ⁓ he's not listening to me.

Sherisse Alexander (19:53)
Wow.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (20:15)
I'm not listening to him. He's selfish. I'm selfish. And I just want to like put a really big disclaimer. It is not always that this is who I am or this is how I am. And like, you know, he's angry, I'm angry. I'm not angry. Why are you saying I'm angry? It's not this is your identity now from this moment on. It's like when I believe that he's selfish, I'm not listening to anything he's saying. I am in my head about myself, about how I feel, about how he's not okay.

And if I could just pause for a second and let him finish talking about his story, then I may have the opportunity to tell him about my day and everything will be fine. And in that moment was the first time I did the actual turnarounds on myself and realized, ⁓ this changed the entire trajectory of our evening, you know, because now instead of like harnessing all this anger, all this disgusting

Sherisse Alexander (21:00)
Yes.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (21:14)
Icky energy that I was collecting while he's talking about his day. Here I am in my head talking about how he's not listening, how he's selfish, how he doesn't care about me, how he doesn't love me, how I am, you know, I'm leaving, that's it's over, right? And like my drama, woo, over there in my head. And he's just like talking about the details of his day as if nothing is happening. Like, does he not know?

Does he not read my mind? Like how careless of him that he doesn't have these antennas.

Sherisse Alexander (21:45)
Yeah.

He's so selfish,

he's not reading my mind, he doesn't just know what I need.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (21:52)
Exactly. And

you know, then I realized men don't have antennas. And we assume they do because we do. I can feel I can feel other people when they walk in the door, I feel something's wrong with you. You're you're not really looking great. What happened? And they don't see that they have zero ability to read people's mind, except those men who are very, you know, connected to their

Sherisse Alexander (22:03)
Very true.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (22:20)
antennas, which they definitely have them. They just don't read them. Yeah. Exactly.

Sherisse Alexander (22:21)
Yes, divine feminine, the feminine energy. know, and it's,

it's what you're saying is like, I've heard

countless women talk about in relationship with their significant other words like, well, he should know. And I certainly have definitely in past relationships been like, well, he should know just how I'm feeling just by the set of the, you know, the quirk of my brow and da da da. And so now I find myself saying to my daughter who is having, you know, adult romantic relationships and like, do not assume that your man knows what you were thinking. And

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (22:49)
Yeah

Sherisse Alexander (23:00)
My partner had said to me once and it has always resonated with me. He said, if you, he's like, if it's a big deal to you, like whatever's on your mind in terms of us, he's like, I'm assuming that you're going to tell me. And if you don't tell me, I'm not going to assume that there's a problem. And I was like, you know what? That's, it's just so common sense. If I have an issue, let me just talk to him about it. He can't read my mind. he, what inevitably ended up happening.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (23:12)
Mm-hmm.

Sherisse Alexander (23:28)
is that over the years he does them when I'm upset and he will ask and often I'll just be like you know I'm still processing or I'm still digesting but as soon as I know or I determine if this thing that I'm chewing on or going through is for me to work through or to actually bring to you then I will do so and it was beautiful because it allowed the space for me not to get in my head about mind reading and

also letting him know that don't worry if there is an issue I will certainly let you know but there's so many women in conversation that go through that exact thing that you were talking about and I love how you talked about the work of Byron Katie which I personally found very very tricky the first time I read her book which is just like is it true is it true is it true do you want to so you're having this whole thing in your head and you pause and you're like

is any of this true and you talk about how it changed the entire trajectory of that particular evening.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (24:32)
mean, as soon as I asked, was like, you know, actually the truth is he's talking and he's trying to connect through telling me about his day. And I'm not listening to a word he's saying. I'm not giving him the respect, human basic respect of listening when a person is talking to you. I just that just catching myself and realizing how ridiculous that was.

It opened up my eyes to all the other ways that I do this and all the other things that I do. So another thing I used to do is I used to tell him that he's so smart and he has so much to give. He's a genius, right? Like he sits and researches Talmudic teachings from like, you know, thousands of years old. He's like putting together all these sources and anybody who asks him a question, he knows exactly where the source is.

all the library of books, he's read them pretty much all like at least once like he's really, there. Like you're so smart. Can you just start a podcast? Can you start a YouTube channel? Can you go and like face you know front face like teach and tell people all about what you know, because it's so powerful. And when I when I had this whole explosion with my husband, he's like brushing his teeth and whatever and like throwing all this at him. And eventually,

And I told him like, and I tell you all the time that you should be the one to make money and that you should be the one to be on Facebook and then, you know, YouTube and on podcast and whatever. And then I paused and I was like, ⁓ I guess I have to open up a podcast, you know? And I realized like in that moment, turn it around. So I started a YouTube channel and I started a podcast and I started doing what I said he should do.

Sherisse Alexander (26:13)
You

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (26:26)
And lo and behold, our marriage is amazing now. It's like so funny that you think you can fix the other person because he's the problem and because he is the one holding you back and he's the one who's stuck and he's the one who's jealous and he's the one who's broken and he's the one who's not getting over his insecurities and he's the one who doesn't have enough confidence and he's the one who's a loser and you're the one who's perfect. I'm just here to help you, right? God put me here.

Sherisse Alexander (26:50)
Yes, clearly.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (26:56)
to show you the way. And I'm like, and you're

laughing about it, but this sounds so normal to the old self of mine. Like, I'm such a good wife, I'm helping him. Like how many meetings that I like schlep him to and drag him to and push him to and like tried to stick him into a square and a cube and a, you know, circle, like anything I could do to just like help him. And

Sherisse Alexander (27:22)
Yes, I'm laughing because

I can't, I've heard this like from countless women. And in fact, I recently had a conversation where actually I've been having a conversation with somebody for the last year, ⁓ about their relationship and they, they didn't love what I was saying.

And they weren't hearing what I was saying, because what I was saying is the relationship is not there for you to fix the other person. The relationship is the reflection of what you need to heal within you. And I don't think they liked it, because it was... We don't like when we have to face the parts of ourselves that we don't like. It's an icky feeling. So all the things that we're witnessing in the other person, it's like...

You can't see it in your, but how else can you see it in yourself if you don't witness it in the other person? And you know, please share it. Please do.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (28:14)
I have a great analogy for this.

So my mentor told me this and it changed my life. She said, you walk into the house and you see yourself in the mirror and you see that on your shirt, there's a stain. So what do you do? You grab whatever rag and you start cleaning the mirror and you clean it and you scrub it and you spray it and you rub it and it's not cleaning the stain. And you're sitting there screaming at the mirror like, what is wrong with you? You know?

That's what we do. That is exactly what we do. And here's the kicker. When you decide to go and clean your shirt and actually get rid of the stain on your shirt, you go to any mirror and all of them are gonna be clean. It's magic. Not only did you fix this one mirror, you fixed all the other mirrors in the house. Surprise, right? And that's what happens. We're like, that guy has no...

uh, patience. He's like cutting me in line and this other guy, he just cut me in the street and this other person, nobody has patience and everybody is so aggressive and everybody, blah, blah, blah, blah. And you're like in this story and everybody you see is showing you the same exact stain on your shirt. And there's no way you could have seen that stain if you didn't actually stop to look at other people, right? If you don't look at what other people are bugging you about.

Sherisse Alexander (29:33)
Yes.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (29:44)
then you're not gonna know what is in you that you get to fix. And notice I didn't say you have to fix, nobody is making you. Nobody is making you. And when a person is stuck in their story and really annoyed, like, stop telling me it's me, stop telling me to turn it around, stop telling me blah, blah, blah, right? This is like not pleasant. So stop, they're not interested. They don't want to own their part in this life.

Sherisse Alexander (29:51)
choice.

Mm-hmm.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (30:13)
in this world. They want to be reactive, they're comfortable being in comfort zone. And only when it finally hurts enough that they're uncomfortable being in comfort zone, will they be willing to find the way out. And then they'll know exactly who to turn to. Because they will know that you're that person that loved them no matter what, and told them there is a way out. And when you're ready, I'm right here for you.

Sherisse Alexander (30:33)
Exactly.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (30:42)
That's when they're gonna turn to you and say, okay, I'm ready now. And I had this with one, you know, some of my friends. We're all sitting at the park, our kids are playing, and I'm sitting there like blabbing about all the things I'm doing. And they're like, how do you do it all? It's so frustrating, blah, blah, blah. And like, it's probably because your husband helps so much. You know, we don't have that type of husband. That's why we have to do it all. you know, they get into this like blame, shame, icky.

you know, comparison, pushing the other person down, which is very much comfort zone, right? Because comfort zone is like muddy. Like you're playing with mud, you're constantly looking at mud, smelling mud, throwing mud, you know, it doesn't feel nice to be around people who are down there. And you can either go down to the mud with them and be like, well, you know what, it's not fair because you know, it used to be my my original reaction would be

Well, my husband doesn't support. So do you want me to like actually go make money or do you want me to sit around and complain? Like, you know, it was this very reactive, icky, not true, not from a place of truth. And in reality, when I think about it, I'm like, who actually supports and sustains God? Not my husband, not me. He doesn't matter where the money is coming from. Bottom line is it's all from God. So I'm not...

going to go there. Instead, I'm going to be really grateful for what I have and where I'm at in my life with my circumstances and how I've created and intentionally focused on the things I want to focus on. And when they're ready, they'll come along or they won't. And that's a choice.

Sherisse Alexander (32:29)
It is a choice. And you're right, you know, this person I was just talking about, they this week had an epiphany. We've been having this conversation for a year. And she finally said, I see it now.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (32:41)
Mm-hmm.

Sherisse Alexander (32:45)
I'm like, absolutely. I said, it's tough to see when you're in it. You're in your story and you're, you're so strong. And I said, you know, I think you thought that I was telling you it was your fault. And that's not what I was saying. I was saying you're, you have a choice. I said, and it's very freeing and very empowering when you can finally recognize that what you are seeing is for you to choose to address, not the other person and the other person. When a few things will happen, either they'll level up and

and it'll evolve or they won't and that situation will evolve on its own. So it's very, very freeing and empowering and I know she said to me, she's like, I see it now. And that's the tricky part when you are...

you know, trying to help people understand your reason for being so joyful and so passionate and so happy about your life because I don't want to say you figured it out, but you really understand that the relationship is simply there to reflect to you what, and I'm not just talking romantic relationships as you very clearly pointed out, this is in every single interaction that you are having. So if you have a challenging boss,

What is it in your, so this is how I pose the question to people. What is it in your boss that you're seeing that you don't like, whatever the thing is, okay? Where in yourself do you see that same behavior? And I often say to people, like, it's not always obvious right away. Sometimes you gotta sit with it. I think it took me, the most powerful experience where I saw this, it took me a week and it rocked my world when I was like, my gosh, I am not.

And I mean, bawling, snot bubbles, like the whole King Caboodle, because the awareness was like a slap in the face of this judgment I was placing on someone else. And then when I finally saw where I was doing the same thing, and there was a lot of shame and a lot of guilt attached to it. So as Bachchan said, it's not pretty when you get faced with these things. So it takes a degree of readiness and courage.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (34:44)
Mmm.

Yeah.

You know, I only work with women and a lot of the marriage world, the therapists, the counselors, they say, you can't, you need two to tango. You know, you need two people who are very committed to make a marriage work. And I say, that's not true. That's not true because as soon as you start to change the dance, the other person will change the dance with you.

Sherisse Alexander (34:55)
Mm.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (35:19)
So like you said, they may change the dance by, you know, following along. They may be like, I don't like your dance, forget about it, you know? And that's not up to you. Most times, most times, the majority of the time, because your husband is built by God to provide and protect, those are the most husband-like, you know, the two main husband.

wiring of the brain. All he wants is for you to be happy. And he judges his success, he measures his success by how happy you are when he comes home. So you could be the most successful guy in the universe and come home and your wife says, it's not enough. You're not this and that. I can't. Yeah. Right. And he's like the

biggest loser in his own eyes. Why can I make everybody happy around me? Why can I be successful at everything I do, but my wife I can't make happy? And that is the most painful thing to a guy. So what is your responsibility as a wife? To just be happy. To just be happy. And the problem is that we are conditioned to be uncomfortable being happy. I remember

Sherisse Alexander (36:36)
It sounds really simple, but it's so true.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (36:45)
My nature is very happy. could tell, right? I'm just like, yay, let's do it. I was told as a child and a teenager, you're too happy. There is something wrong. And being told that is very hurtful because it means that there is such a thing as too happy and that you're not allowed to be this happy and that there is this like limit, you know? And actually,

Sherisse Alexander (36:57)
Yes.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (37:15)
your job as a wife is to be as happy as possible. Make yourself happy. Go do the things that make you happy. Come alive, live, breathe, dance, whatever makes you happy. And here's the kicker. And then blame it on him. Be like, I'm happy because of you. And it's not a lie because...

You know, I am able to go and do my podcast because you're watching the kids. I'm able to go to this conference because you are, you know, you made supper. I'm able to go to yoga because you took the kids in the morning to school. Whatever my husband did, connect it back to the reason why I'm happy. And it takes a while to find, it takes like, it's a little bit of like mental gymnastics sometimes to be like, I'm so happy. It's because of you.

Sherisse Alexander (37:45)
Yes.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (38:10)
And I can't really put it together. I'm like, I'm just happy that you're happy with me. You know, I'm happy that you let me be happy and that you don't judge me for being too happy. Just like, you know, sometimes just that is enough. But this is the first step to really turning around your marriage is be happy and let him know that you're happy.

Sherisse Alexander (38:36)
Absolutely. And you know, that's so reminiscent of, I had a similar situation where somebody had sat in front of me and said, they asked me, are you always this happy? And I was like, I didn't even know what to say. I'm like, well, I'm like, yes, actually I am. I'm generally a very optimistic, rosy glasses kind of person.

And this person was just like, well, it could come across as being a little disingenuine. And this is the first time anybody has ever said that to me. was just like, I don't even know what to say to that. And it's almost like that.

that effervescence, that bubbling over with joy, that bubbling over with gratitude really makes people very uncomfortable, especially if they're not. And I was having a conversation with somebody the day where I was bubbling over with joy and I was just like, my gosh, I'm just, I'm in love with my life right now. And the energy was very much like, why? Like, where is this coming from? And like, because I'm just so happy with all the things that I'm working on. Like I'm so, like I'm in love with my life.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (39:47)
And you know why, and you know why this is so powerful. I have a friend, Hannah Mason, who wrote a book, Hold That Thought, and it's really beautiful. It's a beautiful way of explaining to regular people the work by Barry and Katie and a lot of other tools and skills that come along with it. But look it up on Amazon. It's a great book. I highly recommend it for people who are just starting their thought process and really holding the thought and questioning it.

Sherisse Alexander (39:47)
and

Yes.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (40:16)
It's a great book. Anyway, she talks about the lie detector test where when they do lie detector tests, what are they testing for? They're testing for stress. They're testing for the eyes, the muscles, the body, the way your heart starts to go faster, the way your eyes focus and you're less aware of the peripheries, the way that you react physically to the belief.

that you're lying, right? So the thought, the trying to lie. That's the exact same thing that our body does naturally when we are living. So when you're thinking something that stresses you out, that's a lie, my husband, doesn't care. doesn't care. Right? Like just fill in the blanks. Your body gets tight and small.

and you know, sort of like curved in your eyes, your, you know, your heart, everything is just like hyper-focused on what's wrong with him. And you can't see anything past that. And it is so physical, is so physical. Your body literally reacts to the thought. And that's a great way to become aware of, what's going on? My body is tense. My body is tight. Is this true? Probably not.

Sherisse Alexander (41:17)
Yes.

You

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (41:42)
because my body is telling me there's a lie happening. But when you're happy, you're open, you're receiving, you're this like flow, there is nothing stuck in this, right? This is truth. And it happens when you are in flow, when you're in alignment, when you're serving God from a place of intentionality. Like if I'm here to serve you, I remember this very clearly one time I was praying for...

What do you want from me? Because I was transitioning from being a graphic designer to actually owning what I really am right now, which people call a coach, but I think is way beyond. I hate that word because it's like so limiting. It's like we're all coaches. Like, what does that even mean? I don't know, but it's something anyway. So when I was transitioning, I remember standing in prayer every day and praying for what do you want?

What is it that, you I want abundance. I want, you know, to be of service. I want to show up in the way you want me to show up. I'm feeling like you're calling me to do something. I just don't know what. And I wasn't getting any answers until one day I like banged on the table and I was like, okay, God, I haven't been honest. I've been talking very fluffy, but here's what I want. I want to reach six figures doing what I'm here to do. And I don't want to hide anymore.

show me." And that day, three people showed up out of nowhere asking me for advice. One guy was taking his kids to the park, needed to go use the bathroom, started asking me about what do I think about this, that, and the other, and I gave him a whole like strategy plan of what to do with his life. It was crazy amazing. Like within half an hour, he was like walking out with like, okay, I know what to do. And then somebody showed up and

Sherisse Alexander (43:27)
Yeah.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (43:35)
gave me their iPad and said, can you keep this safe because my husband just threw my phone and broke it and he's so angry. I don't want him to break this too. And so I sat her down and we started talking about her husband and about her marriage and you know, thank God we saved the marriage just in like 45 minutes. And I was like, what's going on God? Like, is this what you want me to do? I asked and right away I got answers.

Sherisse Alexander (43:54)
You asked. Yeah, you asked.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (44:02)
three people one day and then the next day and suddenly I'm like, so what I'm like an advisor now because I give advice like is that what I'm doing? And yeah, and God was like, yeah, just keep going. Come on, come on, move along, move along. And from that moment on, it wasn't fuzzy anymore. It was more like, okay, so in order to reach these goals, what do I need to do? How do I need to act? What do I need to think? And how do I need to show up? And very quickly, God starts to show you

Sherisse Alexander (44:09)
even though already doing it.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (44:30)
the crumbs of what to do next. And if you're attentive enough and you have the skills to hear God's messages, you are invisible because God is, right? It's like, this brings me back to why I was thinking about this. I thought that somebody told me, like, what are you going to do about your livelihood? You know, how are going to leave graphic design when you finally broke through and have great clients and are doing so well, right? I was like,

just like God gave me money over here, he will give me money over there. Like, does God really care what I'm exactly doing? And if I'm already going to work because this world is a game, you know, and you have to play the game and, you know, money can't just fall onto my lap. I have to do something to pretend that I am living this world and doing this thing. So I might as well do the thing I'm happy doing, right? It was like such a change of concept.

Sherisse Alexander (45:24)
Yes.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (45:27)
why do I have to suffer if I could just enjoy it? Right? And so if I would invent the most fun, exciting job in the universe, what would it be? It would be sitting around talking to people. It would be giving my advice. like people ask me like, you know, go and learn, like, why don't you go learn therapy or, you know, counseling, and then you can really help people. like, no, then I wouldn't be able to give my advice. You know, like all these professionals,

have rules they have to follow. And I have a very different way of advising people. A, I give them my advice. I am like very blunt and very straight and clear because I feel like I am a vessel and I receive messages and I feel my body. I'm very, very connected.

And so somebody will say something, I'm like, okay, one second, I'm getting this feeling that we need to talk about this. And it's like, how did you know? I have no idea how I knew, but it was very clear. So I have to be able to communicate that I can't be following some script or whatever. And then also I believe you have that soul knowledge that God put in you.

Sherisse Alexander (46:36)
Yeah, confined. Yeah.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (46:46)
of all the answers. So I do a lot of guided meditations and I create custom guided meditations for people on the spot following this guidance. And then I feel like I'm a pipeline to help them really find the truth, the answer, whatever they're looking for. And it's been so powerful to just go like, okay, close your eyes. And they're like, where are we going? Like, I have no idea, but we're going somewhere, you know, it's gonna come to me as soon as we need to.

Sherisse Alexander (47:12)
Yeah.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (47:16)
I trust that when I need to know, I will know. And when I feel stuck, I turn to God, I'm like, this lady is sitting here, has her eyes closed, she's ready to receive the answer. What am I supposed to do next? Like, how am I able to be of service? And then suddenly I'll be like, go to the elevator or go to, you know, I'm like, okay, at the end of the street, there is an elevator, you know? And I have no idea where the elevator goes. I haven't received that yet, but there is an elevator.

And it's so beautiful to then, you know, the women come out of guided meditation and they're like, that was the most incredible thing I've ever seen in my life. I went back, I went forward, I went this, I went that, this came to me and that came to me and I have answers about everything and anything like just the amount of healing, the amount of clarity, the amount of magic that happens when you trust on such a level.

Sherisse Alexander (48:08)
Yes.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (48:15)
They're trusting me to trust for them. And this whole thing is like, you know, the co-regulating that happens when a puppy, you know, is like, aw, and you're like, I just want to love you. And now I'm not stressed anymore. That co-regulating is the same as co-trusting. If we can lean on each other to help each other trust on a deeper level, that is where the biggest miracles happen.

Sherisse Alexander (48:42)
Absolutely. I love that. That's so beautiful. what really obviously stands out in all of that is the most, as you just said, the trust. You trusting in God that, and you, I mean, what did I say to you before we started this? I'm like, I just kind of put a prayer out and just ask that the...

the conversation be guided with whatever the message is and trust that it will go exactly where it needs to go. And I think that that's often the biggest challenge that people have is trusting that communication. And for you, when you were like, okay, show me, and he did.

and they're like, okay, so this is the plan? I get to like do something I love so much? Yes, this is the plan. I did something similarly recently where I was like, I'm like, okay, if this is the direct, I mean, it works inversely as well. If this is the direction that I'm supposed to go and give me this thing. And I waited.

And I didn't get it that day. I'm like, okay, so that's not the direction to go in because get get asking for the sign and getting the sign is obviously one piece of it, but asking for the sign and not getting it. And that's how we work with this relationship. because you do receive ask and you do receive. So getting the thing is validation, but also not getting the thing or not getting the sign is equally validation. And that is how you begin to build the trust. And even within that, what did you say? The crumbs. You don't always get you don't get the full

You might even get a vision of what the end goal is, but you do not get the details in between. That is how we build trust in ask and receive, right?

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (50:13)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah,

you know in the Jewish prayer, the first thing you say when you wake up in the morning is a gratitude prayer, I thank you God for giving me back my soul. But then the last thing is your belief in me is great. And that is exactly what it's all about.

When people say, ⁓ I have imposter syndrome, who am I? And it's like, God is telling you, who are you not to? I put you here. I gave you a soul. I gave it back to you this morning. And you are questioning if you should show up. Really? Who are you to start questioning? And it is so

powerful. When you think about that, you're like, huh, well, then I guess I'm just gonna get up and show up and not quite not ask questions. Because that is that's how that's how that's how you can really live your life. And you know, you were saying like, you don't get the full picture, you get crumbs or, or, you know, a final result type of image. Can you imagine if we got the full picture? We would faint. We would know.

Sherisse Alexander (51:27)
and be amazing. Yeah.

You wouldn't do it. You wouldn't do it. You would stop

before you started. You'd get scared. You would try and manipulate the journey. You would try and game the system because that's what we do. Like, let's face it. You see the end and you're like, if you got everything, you would just, you would figure out a way, you would try. It's not like you would. You would try and figure out a way to avoid it.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (51:55)
Yeah. huh.

It's like, you

know, it's like going to a coach and the coach is going to tell you, okay, so here's what's going to happen on the way to six figures. You're going to have three failed launches and then you're going to have one launch. You're to get one lady in and you're going to feel like a failure because you did all this work for nothing and then you're going to have a good launch. You're going to be like, wow, that's amazing. Let's do that again. And then you're going to do it again. It's going to fail. And then, and you're like, no way, forget I'm not doing this. Right. So you're like, just show up.

Sherisse Alexander (52:31)
Exactly.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (52:35)
Do the thing, it's part of the process. And if God told you, you have to come and go and fall and come back and that and that, no, no thanks, bye, checked out.

Sherisse Alexander (52:38)
It is.

That's exactly

what people would do. I mean, I know myself well enough to be like, mm, mm-mm. I don't like that journey. No, I'm just gonna... You would keep yourself small. And really the journey is meant to, and you just said it, it is calling on us to show up as our best version of ourselves each and every day. And that doesn't mean perfection. That certainly does not mean perfection. It means shine in whatever it is that you do.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (52:53)
Right. Yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

Sherisse Alexander (53:15)
In

closing, what is one piece of advice, seeing as you love giving advice, what is one piece of advice you would want to give to the audience today in their journey with self and in their intimate relationships?

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (53:31)
So I have the calm method, which is the four steps to creating flow. every step, I'm going to tell you the steps just so I don't leave you hanging. Step one is connect to yourself. That's the C. The A is ask for abundance. The L is listen for the answer. And the ⁓ is master a higher level of consciousness. And those are the four steps to really living in alignment.

and integration and flow and what everybody here wants right and step one is my biggest advice because it is the way to start the ball rolling and it's connect to yourself find out what you want and notice that i didn't say what you need find out what you want because god always gives you what you need you don't have to worry about your needs but god left

emptiness. He left something lacking in this world that we get to fill. And that is going to be guided by your wants because you're gonna see something empty. You're going to find this lack and you're going to want to fill it and you're going to want to fix it and you're going to want to show up and be that person that did that. finding your will

becoming aware of what you really want, giving yourself permission to want it.

And owning that that's what you want is going to start the ball rolling. And I'm going to give you a little bit of a taste of the call method just so that, you know, I really hate leaving people hanging. And that's one of my biggest problems. Like, let me give it all to you. So you can come and listen to my podcast, Connected for Real Podcast. And like, there's a lot about it. Once you know what you want,

Sherisse Alexander (55:26)
you

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (55:36)
and you get really, really clear about this is what I want and I'm willing to own it. I'm to declare it. I'm willing to really get over myself, right? Because most of the time it's very scary. It's like this will that's sitting in your stomach for years and you're like, if only I could, but no way is it possible and all the stories we have. okay, just let it be. Allow it to come up to awareness.

The next step is ask for abundance, is bring it to God and be like, God, this is what I want. And if this lines up with your will, show me, help me, guide me, be with me, because I can't do it myself.

What happens in step three is that you start to listen for the answer. You show up to your life in a different way. You are attentive. You are opening your eyes. You're finding the answer. These are skills that we have not been taught because everybody knows to turn to God, just ask God for everything, but.

Hello, it's a two-way street. God will respond. He will give you answers, but you have to be ready to listen. You have to be ready to hear it. And if you're not looking for it, it's gonna hit you in the face and you're not even gonna know. It's gonna be under your nose and you're not gonna know. So connect to yourself, ask for abundance, listen for the answer. And at this point, you're going to hear an answer. It's going to start to fall into place and you're gonna be like, wow, that worked.

Sherisse Alexander (57:00)
Yeah.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (57:16)
Next, what else do I want? What else do I want to work on? Right? And you're going to want to start to get all, you know, into this, which is why a lot of people who get into the self discovery and the self work and all of this amazing stuff end up burning out because they're like, I work and work and work. And as soon as I stop, everything falls backwards and I fall into the mud. And then I have to pick myself up again and that, so it's exhausting to be in that roller coaster of self work.

Sherisse Alexander (57:41)
Mm-hmm.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (57:46)
And it doesn't have to be that way. It shouldn't be that way actually. As soon as you have that answer, whatever the answer was, your job is to master the higher level of consciousness. You have just, you just rose to a higher level. The air quality is amazing here. The view is beautiful. You're flying.

Everything's amazing. And now is when your brain goes, excuse me, there's a problem. I don't know how to fly and I don't know. And this and that is scary. Let's go back to the mud. And so you nose dive right into what you're used to and what you used to be. Your job is to pause and start to collect evidence to why this is exactly where you need to be right now. And so we do that by celebrating, by surrounding ourselves with people who are

getting it, right? When I tell you I got a download, you get it. But when I tell other people, they're like, my gosh, she's crazy. Right? So surround yourself with the right people who are going to support your newer, higher level of consciousness. Be grateful. Thank God. God gave you an answer. Turn up and say, thank you. And this happened today. My daughter was looking for her shoes and she's going all around the house. I can't find my shoe.

Sherisse Alexander (58:54)
Yes.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (59:11)
And I said, have you prayed? Like, did you tell God that you're looking for the shoe? He's like, oh, did you give me this like six year old eye roll? And I said, okay, let's do it together. God, you are the king of the world and you know where my shoe is. I know you know, I need you to help me see it. Open my eyes, because it could be under my nose. But if you don't let me see it, I will not see it. So help me see it.

Sherisse Alexander (59:29)
Yeah.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (59:39)
And she said after me and she was like doing it like a little bit, you know, like a six year old. And then I said, don't forget to say thank you because that's part of prayer, right? The prayer has a structure and you have to thank God. And so anyway, she's like, she walked out of my room all annoyed, like I'm some crazy lady. Two seconds later, I found…

And it gave me such joy. I jumped out like, wow, thank you God. And she's like, but I found her like, no, no, no, no, it doesn't work like that, right? So it's so beautiful for you to be able to really hold that higher level of consciousness. You rose, you already got there, you did all the steps. Now stay there, hold it, watch how you expand, watch how your life changes and celebrate it.

Sherisse Alexander (1:00:09)
You

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (1:00:32)
So like what you're saying, you're telling your friends, I love my life.

Isn't that awesome that you're able to say that without resistance, without feeling like something is wrong, without looking the other way, like maybe there's another shoe that's supposed to drop. Like what's going on? Can we be in that and thank God and say this is orchestrated. This is exact. This is perfect. And even when things aren't exactly like I wanted them, if I can be in that, I am still on a higher level. Right? So

Sherisse Alexander (1:00:49)
Yeah.

Absolutely.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (1:01:07)
Those are the four steps, the calm method.

Sherisse Alexander (1:01:11)
Thank you so much for sharing that and thank you for joining us today or me today to chat about your journey and what you've learned. I love your story. I love your energy. I love your enthusiasm and I love your realness. So much of what you said today and I know was chuckling a lot and it's just because I hear it.

all the time. I've been in those same conversations where people are saying the exact same thing. So it really, really, really resonated. And so thank you for sharing your wisdom and your courage to like break out and break free and create a life that you love with all your babies and your husband. So thank you so much to those of you who are joining us today. And I will make sure to include Betchen

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (1:01:51)
Thank you.

Sherisse Alexander (1:02:01)
her contact information so that you can get in touch with her, her podcast, or even if you would like to engage in some of her services. So until next time, please take care of yourselves.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman (1:02:12)
Thank you so much.